Requiem
by you'vegotthis
Summary: "Castle, a long time ago you asked me not to leave you, to stay with you.  I need you to hear me because now I'm going to beg you not to leave *me*.  To stay with *me*." Kate begs an end to their standoff.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay already, I edited this monster, I only ever wanted to write the first chapter, but then (sob), no one wanted to send me reviews. Possibly because I was scared of quotation marks . . .

"How did you get here Kate?"

She looked up, confused.

"I can't let you drive yourself home, how did you get here?"

_Oh, taxi, she'd take a taxi home._

Burke's eyes were full of compassion as he watched his secretary walk Kate Beckett out of the office. Emergency visit. She'd come before without an appointment, paced like a wild cat, unable to sit down. This time, however, she seemed unable to support herself. Eyes red-rimmed before he'd even had a chance to ask the first question, what happened?

He was worried about her. All their talks, all her break-throughs, nearly a year of watching her struggle against her natural impulses. Natural impulses born of years of unnatural trauma. Although he didn't focus on it, it seemed to him that the universe had continued to send her an unreasonable burden. Everyone she had ever loved seemed to betray her in some manner. Well, no wonder. No wonder it had taken her four years to open up to Richard Castle. Chronic pain changes the physiology of the brain, he knew that, he was a professional. But Kate Beckett? She was a bit of a mystery – how, why- she pressed on in life. Too stubborn to give up.

So, she'd come, had her melt down in his office. It wasn't that she hadn't cried with him before, but not like this. This was a new brokenness. Ten minutes of sobbing, every time she tried to speak a guttural, base, compulsive catching of her breath lead to more brokenness. He closed his eyes, willing peace at her from across the room. Kate Beckett was well and truly undone. His mind had already hit on the one cause he could imagine that would cause her this level of devastation.

When it appeared she could not compose herself, he stood, crossing the room he brought her a glass of water, pulling her hand off her face.

"Something happened with Rick? He asked gently ten minutes later." She was calmer, more able to compose herself.

She nodded stiffly.

"Is he hurt?"

She shook her head.

"Has he done something to upset you?"

She squeezed her eyes tightly, willing herself to summon the strength. Burke had been a source of help before, he was her last resort. She had come so desperately to his office, once she'd finally realized her world was collapsing. Funny how long it had taken her, a detective, to figure out that the recently shored up foundation of her world was crumbling. She'd come straight here from the Precinct; middle of a case. Middle of a revelation. Middle of a crisis she didn't know she was in.

She suddenly knew the answer to Burke's question of months ago. She was more afraid that he wouldn't wait for her than that he would. Every thought she had bound her to a singular conclusion - she was a coward.

"He heard me say I remembered the shooting," she croaked, "he's pulled away emotionally. I think he's done with me." Desperation was in her red-rimmed eyes as she finally met his.

_Oh, Kate._

He had learned long ago not to sugar-coat things. "You're forgetting Kate. You're forgetting that you need time and distance to process. Does everyone need that space? Does he need that kind of distance to process things Kate? "

"I . . . I don't know what he's thinking. He, he's always pushed to be closer. "

"You can't control anyone else's reactions Kate. "

Her eyes narrowed at him, her hope dimming a bit more. If Burke believed it was over . . .

"But you can control your own. What do you want Kate? Prioritize. What's most important?"

_Her mother. The hunt. I'd give it up, I'd give it up for you. I'd risk it. _

He was typing, feet propped on his office desk when he heard the front door open. Lost in the words he was shaping he looked up, expecting Alexis, instead finding Kate.

"Kate."

She swallowed nervously, glad that her hands were shoved in the pockets of her favorite black Spring raincoat. Now that she was here, standing in the doorway to his office, she was losing the last vestiges of determination. Damn, she squelched hot tears from welling up.

When he saw her, he had put both feet on the floor to stand, unsure what to expect. Her eyes looked different and it took a moment to realize the heavy black eyeliner she normally wore was absent.

She wasn't going to ask him if they could talk, she already knew what she'd come to do and she what held her there was the knowledge that the moment was so awkward, there was no way she wanted to repeat it. She stepped forward breaking the moment, humiliation or not, solution or not, she *had*to do this. As she came uncomfortably close, the only retreat for Castle was to sit down.

He flinched at her intention. Kate wasn't sure how to interpret that, but it didn't matter. In a moment she was down on her knees, trapping him in his chair and humbling herself before him all at once.

"Kate . . ."

His voice was full of question, as she reached to hold his hand with both of hers on the armrest of the chair. He wasn't simply held to the spot physically, he was mesmerized by her actions. Looking down at her bowed head, their joined hands, he was speechless. And then he remembered, how she'd hurt him. His brow furrowed as his body stiffened.

She looked up at him. Looked him in the eye. Took a deep breath, and whispered her most naked emotions.

"Castle, a long time ago you asked me not to leave you, to stay with you. I need you to hear me because now I'm going to beg you not to leave *me*. To stay with *me*. I know… she hiccupped back the emotion in her voice, her emotions harder to hold back… I know I should have said this so long ago, told you how much…"

She stopped as he moved suddenly, bringing his unoccupied fist to his face and turning his head away. She tightened her grip on his hand, a physical plea.

"Please Cas… Rick. Please, hear me. All this time I have been so used to fighting, me against the world, you know? And suddenly, there you were, and it wasn't me against the world, it was us. I don't know when we became an 'us' Rick. Somewhere, somehow, my mind doesn't think 'me,' it thinks, 'us.'"

Her words were coming desperately faster, no longer a whisper. He still faced away from her, fist to his forehead, elbow on the far armrest of his chair leaning away from their joined hands.

"And then, when I was shot, I realized what a poison I was. How me fighting the world alone, was also fighting everyone I loved, Rick."

Unnoticed, tears were streaming down her face openly.

"I knew you loved me. I heard you. But, I… I couldn't let you in, I couldn't poison you with it, I couldn't poison us with it. Rick, I always knew it was you. That if I let you in, you would be my one and done. It's always been you Rick. So I'm here to beg you, please."

She lifted her body, still on her knees and risked placing her hand on his face, wanting, needing to see his face, and was stunned by the force of the emotion in his eyes. So tender, she felt the words escape without ever being processed by her mind.

"I love you."

His mouth gapped as he took in a sharp breath. In a moment he swallowed and stood, wrapping himself around her. He exhaled long and slow, as though he had been holding his breath a long time, waiting for this moment. Maybe it was her speech, maybe it was her death and resurrection, maybe it was four years of pining, but the breath released was carrying so much more than could be expressed in words. He held her tightly, felt her chin at his shoulder, even as her hair tickled his face. In that embrace was three months of not speaking, in that embrace was forgiveness for her deceit, in that embrace was renewed hope for their future.

"Darling, I need… "

Martha stopped at the sight of her son hugging Kate Beckett. His eyes were closed, his expression serene. Without saying a word he held a palm up extended to Martha. His mother turned and left the room. Kate moved to back from their embrace but he pulled tighter.

"No, Kate. You owe me this. You owe me a lot of *this.*"

Her only response was to sigh and sink back in.

She didn't know how long they stood like that before he finally pulled back and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She placed her hands on his chest as he cupped her face.

"I'm gonna kiss you now," he said. Her eyes wide with expectation, she hummed in agreement.

Languid, slow and tender until they both couldn't breathe. Until the universe seemed to applaud.

"I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I'm not going to acquiesce. If you want to arrest me, go ahead. Going to jail for my love of these characters? No worries here, writing my true love would get me out…..

They were both emotionally drained. The world had stopped spinning for this moment. Their moment. Neither wanted it to end.

He'd pulled her into his bedroom led her to the edge of the bed.

"Rest with me Kate," he whispered tenderly.

She nodded and he helped her slip off her coat. He laid it across the chair and climbed on the other side of the mattress. Immediately she curled on her side, head resting on her elbow, knees bent. He mirrored her position, reaching out to brush her hair from her face.

"Now what?" She breathed.

"Kate, I always knew we would be together, but the writer in me could never figure it out. I wrote you hot and sexy as Nikki Heat, for years I thought we'd have some sizzling night. Start with fireworks, you know?"

"Is that how it was with your ex-wives?"

Sobering thought.

"Never really thought about it, but yeah, I guess so."

"And now?"

"And now, Kate Beckett, who's made all the songs make sense," she smiled at him, "I think I might have figured out the first layer of our onion."

She reached out with the hand not supporting her head and held his hand between them on the bed.

"What's that?"

"That you and I aren't star-crossed lovers. We aren't going to be a flash-in-the-pan. I realized we are a slow-burn Kate. We are going to burn for a long time; sometimes very, very hot…"

He smiled and let her see him lose his train off thought; eyes drifting upward in an exaggerated day-dreaming expression.

"Castle," she huffed, amused. He surveyed her face, his own full of joy.

"And sometimes Kate, I think we will burn cold."

Her eyes reflected her sadness – she knew what he meant.

"But, Kate, you…you are not like the others. My ex-wives. Maybe we were in danger of that once, but not anymore. I never knew them, never wanted to really know them. It was over before we started because I wanted the romance, the ideal, but not the flaws. I used to fall in love on crowded subways and at book signings. At least I used to think that was love. But I never wanted the baggage. I wanted them to heal me. I was selfish. I idealized you at first too. I even loved that you never apologized for anything; confirmed all my notions."

She smirked, but didn't want to interrupt his flow. He paused and smiled back, squeezing her hand.

"You *know* you have flaws. I *know* you have flaws and as they slowly came to light I just accepted them. Loved you despite them. Hoped I could help you heal from them. And that's the difference Kate, I want to heal you. I want you to let me heal you with all the love that I feel pouring out of me when I see you. I want to lay over a smiling you and have that image replace all the memories of you lying on the ground last summer after you were shot. I want to look in your eyes when I make love to you. To wake up and see you sleeping beside me; touch your hair, make you 'thank you' pancakes. To know that I am making you as blissfully happy as you make me. Kate, I want to give you everything."

She couldn't look in his eyes anymore. He was so intense and she was starting to feel uncomfortable.

"See that Kate. That right there is what I need you to try to work on."

"What?"

"You still don't think you deserve it. Believe Kate. Believe you deserve it so we can both be happy. So much of my happiness depends on yours now Kate. It isn't just your heart you hold in your hands, its mine now too. Can you see that?"

She did see. It was a shocking emotional dissonance. She wanted him to be happy. Suddenly, she was blinking back tears.

"Tell me the words," she whispered, "tell me that you forgive me." Her eyes searched for the sincerity in his.

"Kate, I forgive you. I love you." He blinked slowly. "I need you."

She'd have to believe it now because she believed in Richard Castle. Her demons couldn't shake that.

_I believe._

She closed her eyes for a moment. _This day, this day had changed everything_. And now his words were ringing in her head, it was overwhelming.

"Hell of a day, huh?"

"Hell of a day," she hummed in agreement, eyes still closed.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"When do you think we can burn hot?"

The sound of her laughter surprised them both. Her eyes were open as she pulled their hands to her hip, forcing him to shift closer to her.

"Trust me Castle, I want to make you happy."

"Just not tonight," he acquiesced.

"Oh Castle, you want me at my best for that. I told you when we met, you have no idea."

He swallowed visibly, "yeah?"

She laughed again, moving her thumb over his cheek and grabbing his ear lightly. She kissed him hard and fast, his face frozen mid-kiss, as she rolled away and off the bed.

"Don't worry Castle, I won't make you wait four years," she tossed over her shoulder as she reached the door.

He smiled, scrambling after her.

"Two years maybe, but definitely not four," she teased.

"Ka-ate," he whined as he reached the door, "remember you love me."


	3. Chapter 3

Two years! God, he hoped she was joking.

Now that this tension between them was so magically healed he could wait with renewed patience, but not renewed resolve. No more holding back, no more almosts. She had been so raw, so open, so un-Beckett-like with him it took his breath away and terrified him at the same time. He hoped he could live up to her.

She'd gone home an hour ago, kissing him once again, enough to get him through the night, enough to tide him over until he could see her again. Confirm this day, confirm their words.

There had been so many moments when he didn't think it would happen for them. Their story. So dark, so dangerous, but he was so drawn to it, and for a writer, the unpredictability of it was enchanting, thrilling, morbidly fascinating. He never wanted it to end. After all, how could it end predictably? How could they ever go back to where they started when so much had happened? So much had been both voiced and unspeakable. A new day had to come. It was inconceivable for this optimist, that this darkness would swallow them, that the world would not set itself aright once again. This story, their story- like she had said, it was 'us' now and not just 'me' – their story would always stay with him. It meant something, even when he didn't understand it – even when she was a mystery he was never going to solve. It stayed with him because they had each had so many, many chances of turning back, only they hadn't. They were holding on to something, some good that neither yet recognized but both knew was worth fighting for, was worth the temporary surrender, the temporary pain, the temporary disappointment for a chance to be more than who they were when they found each other.

That day had finally come.

He spent a sleepless night thinking about the day, how ugly it started, how beautifully it ended, what it all meant.

Esposito poked Ryan," looks like mom and dad made-up."

"Yeah, wonder what that entailed."

"Dude."

Castle stepped off the elevator with a tray of coffee in one hand and a bag in the other. She looked up as he handed her the first cup. Then, grinning like a fool, he proceeded to place another cup on her desk, followed by another.

She knew what he meant.

"Hey how about sharing the love Castle," Ryan called from his desk even as Esposito elbowed him.

"Come and get it, I wouldn't want it to go cold," Kate said, eyes on Castle.

Castle sat in his chair as the guys grabbed the extra coffee. " Thanks Castle." Neither moved away from the desk immediately.

Esposito cleared his throat.

"So, anything we need to know about?" Kate shot him a look as he continued, "about the case?"

The inability of either time or the case to move forward was killing Castle. His anxiety over the next steps with Kate, the idea of sleeping together distracted and dismayed him completely.

At 5:30, he met Esposito's eyes across the bullpen a little longer than he'd intended. Kate seemed her usual engaged self, pouring over a stack of bank records, she hadn't looked up in half an hour.

"Beckett? Ryan and I are going to visit Mitchell down at Riker's in the morning, see if he'll talk." Esposito lingered in the doorway.

Kate couldn't resume her earlier concentration when both men were focused on some kind of response from her.

"Okay, I guess we can pick this up in the morning."

Castle tossed Esposito a grateful look.

"Let's get out of here Castle."

Half an hour later they were sitting in a secluded booth at a favorite dinner haunt.

Two seconds after the waitress took their order, he slipped out from his side of the booth and squeezed her into the corner on her side, putting his hands on the back of her neck and kissing her with intention.

"Been waiting all day to do that."

"Mmm, me too," she responded, stroking a finger down one of his cheeks.

"Castle, I know you're distracted, I am too, we need to figure out what to do about that."

"Mmmm Kate," he wiggled his brows, "I know what we could do about that."

She laughed, "not that, well, yes that, and work, what do we do about work Castle?"

He shifted back and considered her.

"What do you think Kate? You think we are going to start this . . . this something that I have been waiting for . . ."

"We've been waiting for," she corrected.

"We've been waiting for all these years and it's not going to affect our work for a while? We've had so much darkness Kate. I want light, light and beautiful with you, so everyone can see."

"Castle, I don't want us to draw attention to ourselves. Gates . . ."

"I can handle Gates."

"She already thinks you are a distraction to me. Let's not be stupid and give her a reason to make things difficult."

"And she knows I have been helpful too, I don't want to talk about Gates, I want to talk about us."

"So, I was thinking. . ." So many times he had started that sentence over the years.

She smiled at him, one of her dazzling, unbridled, you-make-me-happy smiles.

"I was thinking that this weekend you aren't on call."

He paused but she didn't change expressions.

"And that means that for forty-eight whole hours, you don't have any distractions and I don't have any distractions, so maybe we could distract each other?"

"Hmm," her eyes still smiled but her expression turned more serious, "I'm not really in the mood for a distraction," she cooed, moving her face closer to his.

"You, you're not?" He stammered.

"No Castle, I'm more in the mood for a conquest. You in the mood for a conquest, Rick?" The last syllable of his name was said mere centimeters from his lips and with force.

"Here you are, folks," their waitress came with their drinks.

Castle turned to acknowledge her before turning back to Kate.

He gave her one of his goofy faces, lips pouting.

"I've had enough of the tease Kate, I can be one of your conquests. Please, let me be one of your conquests."

"Ha," she gave him a quick peck on the mouth before pushing him on the chest. "Go sit on your side before all this innuendo gets out of hand."

He reluctantly moved to the opposite side of the table, immediately moving to rest his leg against hers, needing to have physical contact with her.

"Okay, I've been thinking too," Kate said leaning her face against her templed hands, "and this is how it is going to go. You are coming to my place on Friday night Rick. Pack a toothbrush and I might keep you this weekend."

He swallowed and mirrored her position, "A kept man Detective?"

"Oh no Rick, I said I *might* keep you, that all depends on you."

"Kate Beckett," he said grabbing her hands in his, "your sword play is soooo sexy. I don't know if I can make it until Friday."

"You just keep showing up Rick, I'll take care of the rest."

A/N: I don't know what the hell I'm doing.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: There is an 'M' rated addition to this chapter (Requiem Rising).

Friday did not go like they'd planned.

Like his birthday or Christmas, Friday morning caught Rick Castle very early. He remembered the reason for his excitement immediately.

_Kate_.

He had an overnight bag packed and was ready for the station early enough to make Alexis suspicious.

"Vegas for the second time this month?" Her voice of judgment made him instantly defensive. He already felt guilty enough.

"Leave your father alone, I think he may have more responsible plans for this weekend," Martha piqued her granddaughter's interest.

"What plans?"

"Nothing I want to discuss," Castle tucked his head in the fridge.

"Not working I presume," Martha egged.

"No mother, not working and I'll thank you to leave my daughter out of this conversation."

"Nothing to be said dear, I approve," and with that she floated out of the room.

"Let me know when I can approve your relationships Mother," he called after her.

"What's going on dad?"

"Nothing Pumpkin, you spending the night with your friends?"

She gave him a dramatically curious look, but dropped the subject just as suddenly, she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer now that she considered the overnight bag.

Kate had a problem.

The intoxicating smell of her auto-timed 5 AM coffee was seriously hampered by the alarming sloshing sound her slippers now made.

_It is going to be one of those days_, she thought, reaching for the phone.

Twice in the past two weeks she had seen Castle life-falteringly disappointed over something she'd said.

This time it was to tell him that their weekend would need to be put on hold.

"Water is off until maintenance can fix the problem tomorrow morning. I don't want to wake up to some plumber."

His raised eyebrows were a huge clue to stop him.

"Don't," she growled, "don't say it."

He inhaled as if to respond again.

"Not that either," she responded.

Instead, he raised his pointer finger and ran it through the air between their heads, "connection," was all he said.

She rolled her eyes at him.

"You know Kate," turning serious, "Alexis is out with friends this weekend, and my mother has been out with her theatre friends for the weekend. You could 'show up' at my place instead."

She bit her lip. It was what she wanted, but not what she planned.

"Don't make me beg, pretty girl," he whispered.

"I don't even want to know how many other women you have said that to."

"You Kate, only you."

She lowered her head so she was peeking at him with doe-like eyes. "Alright Castle, I'll come home with you, but only cause I like you. "

"Best you can do Beckett?"

He spent the day like the last two contestants on a Ryan Seacrest- hosted show.

Beckett had no patience for a nine year old Castle. She knew he needed a task.

She sent him out to get lunch, down to get papers from Lanie, up to get her spare clothes from her locker in the Precinct Gym.

That last one he enjoyed. Picking through Kate's personal things was, in a word, nirvana. Inspired, he slipped back downstairs and stole a pad of Post-its and a black marker, then returned to the locker to leave her a few reminders that he had been there.

There was something about putting Kate's clothes in the bag with the ones he had packed for himself. It made him happy to think about his things touching her things inside the brown leather carryall. It was so . . . domestic. For a moment he allowed himself to imagine all of their future possibilities for that bag.

Two interrogations, a second visit to the apartment crime scene and one arrest later, Friday was over. Six o'clock saw her sign the last of the paperwork, she looked up at him as she closed the file and placed it on the stack.

"Ready?"

"Does the CIA run secret ops?"

"I'll take that as a 'yes.'"

"Goodnight Espo, Ryan."

"See you Monday," Ryan called back as Esposito did a mock salute, not looking up from what he was reading.

She cut the engine on the Crown Vic as they pulled in front of his apartment, "nervous?"

"Yeah."

"Me too. Too much build up."

He leaned in to her and kissed her softly, "or not enough."

"Let's go practice," she said breathily.

********* (an alternative 'M' rated version of this section exists – Requiem Rising)***********

He was standing in front of the fireplace at his loft watching her stalk toward him, glass of red wine in each hand.

"Thank you", he extended a hand to take the glass from her, intentionally stroking her fingers.

Her eyes were focused on him, the light from the fire reflecting softly off her hair, her eyes, her countenance.

"So, here we are," she started.

"To partners," he said, clinking their glasses.

"Is that what we are?" She echoed their old argument.

"You want a label Kate?"

She blinked, surprised at the turn. This was more serious than she was prepared for when she'd slipped off her shoes and poured the wine. She was expecting him to get down to a different kind of business.

"Do *you* want a label?"

"I want people to know we're together. I want celebrate what we have."

"Well," she said, breaking the intensity, "how to you want to celebrate?" She took his glass from his hand and turned to place them both on the table. His arms were ready for her, but her finger was poking into his chest pushing him back as soon as she turned around.

"Kate, don't you want to celebrate with me?" He smiled treacherously.

"Yes," she said slowly with a bit of a tease, "yes, I do." She'd backed him into corner on the couch, where he plopped unceremoniously.

She kneeled above him, placed both hands on his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him, long and slow and sweet.

Exhilaration ran though her as he pulled her low into his lap, cradling her head on the crook of his elbow and the arm of the couch. She reached up with her free hand to caress his face.

Silence skipped a beat as he leaned in to kiss her, his free hand trailing her hip, thumb stroking the curve of her body.

For all his goofy awkwardness at times, he was a good kisser. Lips soft, heart tender.

She was ethereal, and his. He moved to pinch her rear.

"What the hell was that?" She reluctantly broke their kiss.

"Pinched you."

"Why?"

"To see if you were real."

She woke up first, pressed into his side, her hand on his chest, he on his back, still smiling in his sleep. On her face, joy unmasked. She watched him a long time before he spoke, eyes still shut.

"Rick, I love you."

He opened his eyes to look at her. No jokes, no humor, just precious truth pressing through the dam of delusions and hurt that held them both back for so long.

He moved to lie over her, her glorious hair radiating around an enraptured face.

His quirky laugh punctuated the air as he shook his head.

"What?"

"You were so right, I had no idea. " He kissed her, mouths beginning the ritual again, like a second leap off a high point into refreshing water, fear over, excitement and addiction awakened.

A/N: This is not a free fic, if you do not leave a review your credit card will be automatically charged.


End file.
